Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Pushing Through Disappointment





I’m a little embarrassed admitting I enjoy positive feedback. Sometimes I’m embarrassed – ashamed, even – that I need it. I’m a grown-up! Why do I need someone telling me my writing is good? Why do I want someone to tell me it’s good enough? I should be able to provide positive reinforcement for myself! It’s juvenile, immature – childish, even – to want someone telling you you’re fabulous, or (gasp!) that they love you and your work!

Unfortunately, I’m not at the stage of such enlightenment that I don’t give a flying fig what anyone thinks of me. I do care. I’d totally fail at being a good Buddhist. 

Probably most of us actually care what others think and want our work to be loved by all. 

So, my heart was pounding yesterday when I read through the email attachment with my professional critique from a US literary agent for the children’s picture book I completed. 

She had good feedback. 

Suggested a couple very easy fixes like sticking to “he said, she said” instead of adding words to replace “said." Like when I wrote “sneered, Tommy.” Changing “sneered” to “said” is fine. I’m not married to the word “sneered.” It’s not a poem.

The last sentence of the critique said she didn’t think the story had a “saleable hook.”  It was a swallow pride moment. Scratch that. It was a swallow pride day.

I had been (foolishly?) optimistic and eager to get this particular critique. Earlier, I had paid a children’s book author to critique the same manuscript. Her critique was very positive and said the story was “delightful” and what editors look for.

I felt proud when I heard the author's feedback. I felt proud of the manuscript. I had worked very hard and enjoyed every minute of it. The positive critique felt validating in some way, like “Yes! You can write. You can do this!” 

That’s not how I felt yesterday.

I really had to struggle with those little – or not so little – voices in my head telling me, “I told you so. What do you think you’re doing? You’re not cut out for this! Just quit while you’re ahead. Your writing is nothing special and that story is dumb. All your story ideas are lame and your writing is flimsy. You need to do something different. I don’t know what you need to do, but it’s not writing!”

I wrote in this post how I’m just learning to be courageous in my dreams and pursuing what is in my heart. I’m at this little tender, vulnerable, fledgling stage.

In the past, I would’ve listened, and listened hard, to those nasty critical voices in my head.  The truth is, in the past, yesterday’s news was enough to make me give up writing my story. I would’ve stopped editing. I would not have submitted it.

And this wasn’t even a QUERY or a submission to an agent.  It was a critique I PAID for. I ASKED for it! But I promise you this: I would’ve given up, dream shattered into ten million pieces. No lie.

But I didn’t do that. I told myself I’m not going to give up. In fact, I made myself …yes MADE myself…sit down and write yesterday. I didn’t want to. 

What I REALLY wanted was a gigantic Halloween sized bag of candy for trick-or-treaters. I really wanted to eat bags of KitKats and Rollos and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Luckily, I can’t buy anything like that in Yangon, which is a very good thing. (Right?)

Thing is, I was pissed off at writing, like writing was a person who had bitten me. Had hurt me and betrayed me.  Writing was NOT what I wanted to do.

But I did. I wrote. I didn’t write much. But I wrote enough to make me come to my senses and realize an action, like writing, did not hurt me or my little fragile ego.  Writing is my lifeline. Why the hell would I try to cut that line now?

Look, I know the children’s picture book market is extremely competitive. I paid the agent to give me a critique. She did.

I also know this isn’t like a big rejection in some ways because I have NOT submitted to agents or editors. I’ve only asked for it to be professionally critiqued by two people and critiqued by dozens of friends. LOL I got what I asked for.

I will edit this story and take on board her advice with the other two children’s stories I’m working on.

Would I really like to be published? No. I would really love to be published. That just means more hard work. And writing query letters. And being brave enough to actually send my manuscript to an agent. For submission. Not critique.

And that is what I’m going to do. 

For the first time in many years, I’m not giving up.


37 comments:

  1. Well...you are not alone, that sang to me today. Been on that fence all week. Once again, great post...telling it like it is, and that's not always easy as I know only too well. You can do it, and somewhere deep inside you already know that. On my desk just under my keyboard I have a torn out calendar page that says "Persist until you succeed." There you go. Thanks for sharing that. June Maddox

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    1. June, I totally need to write that down: "persist until you succeed." I love that. I'm going to put it next to my keyboard, too. What a great reminder.

      I hope that you're swinging your feet on over to the side of the fence that's telling you to keep writing. ;) Because you totally need to be. :)

      Thank you, June! <3

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  2. I haven't read that to the kids since you sent the updated copy a whole back But Liam has quoted it recently and with enthusiasm.

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    1. Seriously, N? Liam quoted it recently? You.Cannot.Know.How.Much that means to me today. Seriously! You just made my day. ;-) Love you.

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  3. Go Becky, love that you are not going to give up. Warrior Spirit! Love it. Great blog post. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Suzanne, thank you for always being my online cheerleader! I like the idea of a warrior spirit. (New for me.) But I will try to remember that image in my mind. I like that. lol

      Thank you, Suzanne!

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  4. I feel many people can relate to this I know I did! We all hate when we get those visits from our frenemies Doubt and Insecurity, but they come and stay taking up residence in the spare room of our minds and overstaying their welcome. The important this is that you sent them on their way. You can do anything you want to! Three cheers for not giving up!

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    1. I love that you called those nasty doubts "frenemies," because it's true: we do harbor them like little friends. I love the image that you created, as those these thought take up the spare room and spend too much time there. Who wants unwanted guests? lol Love that, Jennifer!

      Thank you!! <3

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  5. I'm so proud of you Becky!! This is a fantastic post, and you are an amazing person! You inspire me. I know exactly how you feel and you wrote it so perfectly... "I was pissed off at writing, like writing was a person who had bitten me. Had hurt me and betrayed me"... Yes!! Exactly!!
    You are right to keep going, to be brave, to not give up. There is only one direction you can go, and that is toward your dreams. You will find the perfect agent/publisher/story when the time is right - I truly believe in you! Go Girl!! <3

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    1. Bonnie, those might be just some of the best words anyone has ever written to me! Thank you. It's funny how we can get mad at writing. I'm glad I'm not the only one that could relate to that! lol

      I am going to remember what you said, that I'll find the perfect agent/publisher/story when the time is right. Yes. Thank you, sincerely and humbly, for believing in me! (HOW NICE OF YOU!!!)

      Much love.

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  6. Aaaw Becky, I feel for you AND I'm so pleased to hear you are going to keep on writing. You owe it to yourself. Use every setback as feedback on how to adjust your sails. Big hugs, Caroline x

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    1. Thank you, Caroline! I'm really trying to learn this. It's important for me to learn to take feedback and criticism and setbacks from a positive perspective. At least today/yesterday, I broke the old pattern. And that feels really good. ;)

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  7. We are all grown ups. And yet we all need that approval from our friends and even strangers that we are good at what we do. Better yet, we would like to hear or read the words, EXCELLENT!
    But sometimes reality comes rushing in. One person who says "Thank you but it isn't what we're looking for".
    Remember that, it is only one person. Maybe two and maybe even three or a little more. That does NOT mean you suck at what you do. NO!, it doesn't. It means you haven't found the right match yet. There is a whole audience out there who applaud you. YOU! For writing these fabulous words that come together in a story.
    You have it in you to become that writer. You will have that series (oh yes!) of books on the shelves in the stores with your name on it. Children will have it on their wishlist for their birthdays or a good rapport.
    So pour yourself a cuppa tea, look online for publishers and send away. There is a match out there for you.
    hugs ♥

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    1. Gosh. I honestly don't know what to say, Renee. Did you just jump inside my head and tell me everything I had ever dreamed of being told? LOL

      Thank you.

      I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed by all this kindness and support now. I am really, really, really lucky to have found the lot of you. You've all seriously changed so much for me. I'm so grateful to have taken this course with you.

      Renee, thank you for everything you just told me. I promise you this: when I am having a shit day, I'm going to come here and read your comment as well as the rest of them.

      THANK.YOU!

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  8. As others have stated, many of us can relate to these same feelings you have expressed. We all have those little voices that we battle with and they often win but we keep on going because we really know, deep down in our hearts, just how amazing and powerful we are. I think you are growing and this not-so-pleasant-on-the-outside-challenge is making you prove just how great you are. I think your very last line sums it up. So keep going!! It is already in you!!

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    1. ::sniff:: Seriously, I wasn't expecting all this outpouring of love + support. My god.

      THANK YOU, Christina. Hmm...it's an interesting idea that those nasty voices rise up because they're scared of our power.

      It has felt good to tell those voices to hush up! lol I know they'll come back, but...maybe each time they'll get quieter and quieter.

      Thank you, Christina. <3

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  9. Bravo for you! I am so impressed! Not only did you take the criticism, you shared it, didn't hide it, owned up to it skin deep rather than soul deep. (you took it in as a writing critique, not a Becky critique) I have issues with this too. Criticism triggers all my shame buttons. You didn't let that happen. I think you just grew some wings, girlfriend! I'm excited to see what's next for you! ♥

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    1. Thank you, Shelly! <3 I wonder what we really have to feel so ashamed of? (when we're criticized?)

      I'm getting excited to see what will be next for all of us!

      Thank you!

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  10. I know others have said this possibly, but first don't give up. Second, there could be value in what this person is saying or maybe not, it truly is just her opinion, we all have opinions. If it is possible to have more people read it, keep putting it out there and seek more feedback, but at the same time, stay true to your own voice.

    Maybe it is time to take the next step and move on to query letters, etc... you are handling the negative aspects of this process by not taking it so personally. You might get a whole lot more, before finally find that person who believes in your work as much as you do. It might be hard to do it, but you need to believe in it, eventually you will find the right person and all of your hard work will pay off. I've been working on a novel off and on for a while and spent some time researching the process, it can be a brutal process from what I've read, and persistence seems to the key.

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    1. HI Lynn,
      Thank you for your comment. There was certainly value in what the critiquer said. There are some easy fixes I can make to the manuscript and I'm grateful for her input. There were things mentioned that will help me in all my writing, so that is great. There were perhaps one or two things that I think were simply her own opinion. And you're right: she's one person.

      I think it is time for me to start querying. In fact, I will work on drafting a query letter today. The beginning of one. I know it's super important to get the query right.

      I will gear myself up for the brutal process. :) THANK YOU!

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  11. You are so brave! I think you speak for so many of us, whether we ask for criticism or not; often when we receive criticism we are undone by it. It is a really hard thing to accept criticism as an opportunity to grow and get better. You did it! You took the advise you saw as relevant... Let the things that weren't as productive hurt, and in the end went right back to what you were doing before: Pushing through the fear working on your heart's dream. Thanks for sharing your bravery.

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    1. Hi Andrea,
      Thank you!You are so kind! :)

      P.S. I love your blog + I left a comment, but it looked like it disappeared! Will try again. :)

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  12. Hi Becky...can't add any more than what has already been said . All this is good for growth believe it or not.. I think it makes you fight harder for your belief in yourself. Don't waver. JK wasn't getting great reviews when her latest book came out. So I think even when we're a 'success' we get bumps in our road that shake our confidence. These ladies have had great suggestions !
    Just back away from the halloween candy :) . You'll be mad at yourself when your head is on a chocolate explosion and it will take away from your creative energy. Rooting for you.

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    1. I will back away from the Halloween candy, Sandy. lol Thank you!! I suppose I don't really need a chocolate explosion. THANK YOU for making me laugh! ;)

      THANK YOU! <3

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  13. Becky, I do not if is more of the same that everyone is telling you but what I want to let you know is that I'm sure that you are a little bit strong than yesterday. This is way i see my up and down. Thinks you're a tennis ball when you throw down eventually be bouncing up ever higher and higher. You are an artist, you are unique.

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    1. Romy, you're very kind. It's true: I am feeling stronger than I was yesterday. I think a large part of that is due to the incredible amount of support that came pouring over me through all of you sister flyers. Honestly, it's been amazing and I feel so fortunate.

      I agree: it can feel like we're a tennis ball. I love that idea that we just bounce back up higher and higher. Thank you. <3

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  14. I hear you on the giant bag of candy. I have yet to experience a major disappointment, but that is because I have yet to put my art out there. So, that email totally sucks, but you put your story out there. And you are still not done putting yourself out there. So yay for you and to being brave <3

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    1. Hi Kristen -
      I think I'm lucky those big bags of candy are nonexistent here. lol

      Thank you for your support! <3

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  15. Hey, Becky, you and I have already chatted about disappointment and rejection in art. But I still firmly believe that it's better to try and fail (again and again) then to sit around doing nothing. Failing means you're trying, and that's a pretty big deal. After all, I'd rather be someone who wrote a book than someone who always sits around saying they'd like to write a book, you know?

    By the way, I looked at your poetry excerpts and they are absolutely beautiful. (And exactly the kind of poetry I like to read.) Wow. Keep going please because one day I want to buy a big fat book of Becky writing! :)

    Hugs from the other side of the world!

    Sara

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    1. Hi Sara,
      Thank you. :-) I think you're right. At least we're trying. :-)

      Your comment re: my poetry excerpts just made my whole day. Honestly. I've been wondering recently if the writing is too weird. Usually you can't tell what I'm writing about (which is OK with me - but might not be OK with the reader.lol). I feel really honored that you liked it. ;) OK, I will keep writing. Because I REALLY, REALLY want to get some of my poetry out there (if it's not too weird!). lol

      Cheers! :)

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  16. Keep going beautiful girl. We've all been there, but sometimes it's not just our journey and although we are ready there are a few things which need to be sorted out first.We may never know what they are, maybe someone else is lagging behind and we are being stalled so that they are ready to be there for us. Who knows! What I do know is that as Elizabeth Gilbert says, turning up and doing your creative thing is what you need to do.

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    1. Thank you, Suzi. <3 I needed to hear what you wrote today.

      Thank you. <3 Very good advice. :)

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  17. Your words mean a lot. I am a giver-upper when things get tough. But I resolve NOT to. If we know what we are doing is what we love to do, success will follow. Perseverance. Good for you !

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    1. Totally relate, Jean. I'm very excited that you, too, are resolving not to give up.

      Cheers to perseverance!

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