Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Did you know I'm shy? And introverted? Did you know it takes me a long time to make decisions and I don't like change? Actually, that's not true. I don't dislike change. I'm just very slow to change. I like to have roots: I'm not a wanderer. It's very difficult for me to take the initiative and make friends. Actually, it's completely unnatural for me.
It doesn't help that I find it difficult to verbalize what I want to express. I pause a lot, use fillers like "uh, err, ummmm..." and go all monotone. Words....seem...to be JUST there, where I can nearly grab them and stick them in my mouth, but they flutter quickly away...off to some distant part of my brain and I'm left fumbling all over myself. I'm not concise. I'm inarticulate.
But I can write. OK, I'm not an amazing writer or anything like that. Yet, the words generally linger long enough so I can snap them up and slap them down on the page. They might not be the best words to use, but it's easier for me than talking.
It has always been this way. My friends from early childhood may remember me - even in 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade - spending my lunchtime sitting on the floor against the orange lockers, writing in a massive notebook. I could find some solace there. Escape sometimes.
Perhaps you can imagine, then, that moving to a new country isn't particularly comfortable for me. For my type. I mean, come on. I'd only *just* started to feel snugly in my "hometown" that I had lived in (off and on) since the age of 14. Now, I'm not going to tell you how old I am, so let's just agree that I was 14 a long, long time ago. It's taken...THAT long...for the "hometown" to feel like home.
I'm guessing it will take Yangon a....very long time to feel like home. Probably won't actually feel completely like home - ever - to be honest. Still, it's something to aspire to. I need to feel comfortable here. At ease. At least.
That means I have to put myself "out there." (Gulp.) I know that I have to try to meet people.
However challenging it is, however unnatural it is for me to do this, I have tried to meet people since arriving.Good things have come from it.
I've hosted quite a few playdates already. I sought advice about living in Yangon before we arrived. I've asked an e-group if moms without nannies want to get together. I've asked if there was interest in creating a book club (then got invited to one).
I've also joined a writers' group. Which brings us back to the introverted, shy girl who likes to write and stay away from crowds. It's generally been difficult for me to share my writing. It's always been quite personal, so joining a writers' group is a leap for me. It's also something I've wanted to do for a long time, but didn't have the balls.
Though I'm very nervous to meet the group tonight, let alone share my writing to the group of strangers who are meant to critique it, I'm quite proud. I'm proud that I have the guts now. I'm proud that I'm writing...even if it's complete shit. And I'm proud that I've been meeting people and pushing my limits.
I'm learning I'm braver than I think. It's not like any of this takes a huge amount of courage, I know; still for me, it does. In this way, moving to another country (again) has been good for me. And it's great that I have the time to pursue a more creative side of myself while here.
It's a good thing. And I'll keep writing.