tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post8904981437402634266..comments2024-03-27T11:19:10.641-07:00Comments on Becky in Burma: Wanted: Expat Parenting AdviceBecky Cavenderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151009371729606281noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-31594770877138070472012-11-15T07:37:04.066-08:002012-11-15T07:37:04.066-08:00Thank you so much, Indigene!
You are the best. :-...Thank you so much, Indigene! <br />You are the best. :-) <br /><br />Funny that your children now are trying to parent you!! YIKES!!Becky Cavenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15151009371729606281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-48956370008918757552012-11-10T08:55:08.138-08:002012-11-10T08:55:08.138-08:00Becky, you sound like you've got a great handl...Becky, you sound like you've got a great handle on the situation! I can honestly say, our "helpers" survived us and our children! LOL! Little ones are challenging, but then again, so are the big ones, my days are filled with college visits and applications for my "baby", who will be 18 in a couple of months! And yes, my kids, think they're the parents of me, now! LOL! Everything comes full circle. :)Indigenehttp://indigeneart.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-32544163172305656312012-11-07T18:03:34.620-08:002012-11-07T18:03:34.620-08:00Indigene, you're the best. :) <3
OMG - I l...Indigene, you're the best. :) <3<br /><br />OMG - I love that your brother paid someone extra NOT to do work. LOL I get it though. Thankfully, my conversation with D went very well and she totally understood I didn't want her to clean F's room anymore. (Is it bad I told her she could still sweep/mop, though? lol) <br /><br />Yes, it is def becoming more and more obvious to me just how much my daughter watches. It's scary. She's a mirror. And sometimes I'm proud and sometimes I cringe and think, 'Oh, no. I don't do that do I?' But I do. And so she's my check. My radar. Well, unintentionally. <br /><br />I think it's funny that your kids tell you you're narrow minded sometimes, Ms Motorcycle riding woman! :) Becky Cavenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15151009371729606281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-69030212816686051272012-11-07T17:58:06.636-08:002012-11-07T17:58:06.636-08:00lmao! I read the last line really quickly and no, ...lmao! I read the last line really quickly and no, it didn't sound as bad. But at the same time, what are you to do? I'm sure it's because she wanted to seem proper. <br /><br />You're right. And you hit the nail on the head, as did Indigene. People who are guards, housekeepers, nannies, cooks, drivers earn a fairly good wage for where they live. I had a long, long chat with D, the woman who cleans our house. She is divorced. She had been responsible for her son, her mother, and her brother. Her mum was abusive and recently died. D - literally - began to dance (no, I am not joking) in my living room when she explained that now she is free, she is happy. With this job, she can support her son, herself, and her younger brother. She can do as she pleases. She is independent. And she was fiercely happy. I was completely in awe of her as she danced and twirled to show me how happy she was "to be free." Some of her freedom was from not being in a bad marriage and with her abusive mother. The other part of it was that she has quite a very flexible schedule working for us, she works about 4.5 hours a day, 4 days a week, and on that, she can live and be OK. And I am happy for her... ;) Becky Cavenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15151009371729606281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-19679758471360467542012-11-07T01:15:49.745-08:002012-11-07T01:15:49.745-08:00I'm glad, let me know how it works out! It'...I'm glad, let me know how it works out! It's hard sometimes to walk the parent line, since our children are so adorable and precious to us! I used to tell myself everyday, "They're being train for the world, not just for my pleasure!" LOL! Now I have these two adult socially conscious individual, who now let me know how narrow-minded I am at times!! <br /><br />With the helper, you might want to tell her, that you love and appreciate what she does for your family, but appeal to her cultural sense. Let her know what's really important that your child learns certain things, in order for her to be successful in her country of origin, and independence is a must in your culture, along with good manners and patience. I think my brother paid his helper, extra, not to help his kids! LOL! They always wondered why they couldn't convince her to change her mind about helping them. Dang, children are resourceful and they're job is to watch us 24/7 and they're marvelous at it! <br /><br />I love reading your blog! Hang in there, Ex-pat Momma Diva! :)Indigene Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455343121396299373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-23981543421943500972012-11-05T18:38:38.582-08:002012-11-05T18:38:38.582-08:00Well i definitely will not be getting a maid in Ya...Well i definitely will not be getting a maid in Yangon. I don't need one see...i've managed perfectly well without one in the past. Who really needs one? Anyway, i'll be living on my own in Burma. I'm quite a tidy person really, deep down, somewhere. <br /><br />Awww but those shirts. One can only gaze in wonder at never having to wear the only ironed shirt in the wardrobe, you know, the one that hasn't fitted properly since before xmas. Definitely doesn't go with the trousers. I also don't wear odd socks anymore.<br /><br />So here's the deal...i am in fact a messy so-and-so. I'm quite spectacularly lazy when it comes to housework as well, it's boring. <br /><br />I've done the volunteer thing in my time, living on a pittance for the greater good of mankind sorta thang, (is that volunteering?). <br />So believe me I really really really appreciate the position i'm in now because of that. I'm a lucky plucker getting paid to live in amazing places like this, meet genuinely kind, warm and generous people, experiencing cultures and concepts way different than anything i ever saw in Leeds, I'll be telling thee lass.<br /><br />So i found myself thinking, why not get a maid. Spread the wealth, a little bit. If i get can get my shirts ironed, a nice clean bathroom and my sheets changed every week, and someone else gets to feed their family (or in some cases build a sodding great house in the Philippines). Then why not. As long as i respect them and appreciate them for what they do for me. Then why not.<br /><br />I probably will get a "helper" in Yangon, but not a live in one anymore. I never felt entirely comfortable with it really. It was nice and all, but just not my thing. <br />Erm, yeah, errr...anyway she refused the spare bedroom and slept in the box room at the back of the apartment with no aircon. Phew. There. I've said it. (you know if you read that really quickly it doesn't sound as bad)<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16249340410816331206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-59889381489559177692012-11-05T05:38:19.536-08:002012-11-05T05:38:19.536-08:00Oh, Indigene, thank you. <3
I honestly can...Oh, Indigene, thank you. <3 <br /><br />I honestly can't tell you how much I got from your comment. I really love how your parents described why the house help were not going to do certain things for you, and kinda put you right in your place, reminding you were a child and there is a difference between being a child and being an adult and the privileges that go along with that. I really needed to read that because I think that I sometimes (maybe often) let my daughter have a bit more power than she should. I probably always have. Not in all things and I do set a lot of limits for her, but I'm sure some of my family members wouldn't agree. :) <br /><br />After reading your post, I have decided that it's very good for F to clean her own room. We made a chore chart tonight. Well, I did most of it, but had her input. I will tell the housekeeper tomorrow not to clean her room anymore. (I have a feeling this will be a bit of a battle with the housekeeper!)<br /><br />I wish you could have someone tidy up the house for you, too. I'm not too ashamed to admit that I secretly hope to squirrel away enough money to allow that luxury when we move back to America! LOL Would be so nice for you, wouldn't it, so you can focus on your art!Becky Cavenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15151009371729606281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-71680902027716525272012-11-05T05:29:46.880-08:002012-11-05T05:29:46.880-08:00Oh, Alex, your comment made me laugh and I was rea...Oh, Alex, your comment made me laugh and I was really grateful to read it. Thank you!<br /><br />I really appreciate your honesty and just putting it out there and saying it the way it is. Um, can I just say that I TOTALLY get you on the fact you'd have to put pants on to go to the fridge in the middle of the night? OK, so since you ended up having someone live with you, in your spare bedroom (OMG), *how* did you get over having to be completely dressed all the time? We don't have anyone living with us, but it absolutely drives me crazy that I can't walk around the way I used to...lol.<br /><br />I think, since we're being so brutally honest, part of me has really tried to balance just being my normal, open, warm self with staff while at the same time realizing that I am also their employer, their supervisor/manager. Thank god I've been in management before, but even then, I sometimes found it hard. Sometimes people don't like super nice managers. Sometimes people think you're a push over. I'm still really nice, but at the same time, there have been one or two times I've been frustrated because, well, rules have been broken. I try then to remember I'm the employer....<br /><br />...but it's not that simple, just as you said. Especially in a culture where not losing face is so incredibly important...<br /><br />I do not think you're a terrible person. You're so not. I just think it's really strange and kind of hard to navigate this part of being an expat. Maybe it's not hard for people who have been expats for years or lived with having help growing up. But it's very foreign to me (and to you, too! SO glad I'm not alone!) on top of all the other foreign-ness that I don't know how to handle certain things. <br /><br />SO get the whole belief system crashing down. (sigh) I don't know what to do. Let's have coffee when you move here! LOL We can talk about it and try to figure it out! Maybe I should write a blog post about it and try to generate expats to give their advice.<br /><br />I would miss the shirts, too. No...lol. You don't sound like someone leaving a pet at the SPCA. (When we lived in Ethiopia, we took our two adopted street dogs and our two staff to Kenya with us. So who sounds like what now?)<br /><br />:) I really hope you keep commenting here because you totally made my day, Alex. Becky Cavenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15151009371729606281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-44444580867586326032012-11-05T05:19:42.497-08:002012-11-05T05:19:42.497-08:00Thank you, Gail! :)
Your suggestions are great. ...Thank you, Gail! :)<br /><br />Your suggestions are great. She and I had a long chat after school. I didn't bring it up in the context of the housekeeper, but just simply mentioned that she would have some chores, asked her if she could come up with a couple she likes, and talked about what those rewards would be. She really liked the idea of getting a Jessie toy from the local toy store. (Go figure!) Little does she know, I bought a gigantic one for her for her bday!<br /><br />Thank you! And yes - I think F and Sophie are quite similar!Becky Cavenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15151009371729606281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-37029288411021122022012-11-04T19:45:02.160-08:002012-11-04T19:45:02.160-08:00Becky, I spent a better part of my life living in ...Becky, I spent a better part of my life living in a country where "helpers" are common. But as a child, I was taught I was the kid and a kid had certain responsibilities, period. When I asked why the helper couldn't do it for me, I was told. "the helper is here to help the adults, who work everyday and have many responsibilities and the helpers are paid to help lighten the load of the adults/parents; and as a child, I needed to learn what my responsibilities were, which were at the time, going to school, keep my room clean, picking up after myself and respecting my elders. Our rooms were not cleaned by the helpers, we cleaned them. So maybe you might want to have a conversation with your helper about what your daughter is responsible for and tell the helper, she must stick to that. It doesn't matter, if you're a stay-at-home Mom or not, being an adult has privileges, and a great deal of responsibilities! <br /><br />It will take your daughter some time to realize that things are different in developing countries and that "helping" is sometimes the only jobs available for many women in these countries. Respect, common courtesy and good manners are what you want her to give the "helper", who will appreciate that, a thousand-fold. I think what you don't want is your child to think that because a person does this kind of work, that they are less than.<br /><br />The fact that you had these feelings and put them out there says a lot about your wonderful character and as that little one grows, she'll learn. :) <br /><br />P.S. I wish I could have a "helper" now! I just can't afford it in the U.S.!<br /> Indigene Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07455343121396299373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-9793585077502605292012-11-04T19:27:46.329-08:002012-11-04T19:27:46.329-08:00Hi. Only just started reading your blog, I ran int...Hi. Only just started reading your blog, I ran into it while looking for stuff on living in Yangon as I'm moving there in January.<br />I'm also no sage.<br /><br />I can empathise with your problem, but not wholly as i don't have children. I can give you my thoughts on it though...<br />I have lived in Thailand and Singapore over the last few years and had to come to terms with the "staff" issue myself. I hated the idea so refused to have a helper (as they're called in Singapore) live in. Apart from the fact that the maids rooms in condos are tiny boxes with no A/C and they get paid a relative pittance, now i'd have to put some pants on to go to the fridge in the middle of the night! Just in case.<br />In Thailand i just got a cleaner in twice a week while i was at work. It's like magic. The house is spotless when you get home.<br />I was put off having a live in maid after meeting a 5 year old Australian boy with a Filipino accent. Also they would most certainly not live in a box, the spare bedroom would be theirs.<br />In Singapore, however, i shamefully relented, even on the bedroom thing. Ouch.<br /><br />Treat them like people and not cleaners. That's what i thought. I know that sounds obvious but it's actually really hard to do all of the time. After all they are cleaners, people usually like to feel they have worked for their money...but a bit of mutual respect goes a long way.<br />People like to feel like they are people, if that makes sense. Let her clean for you, let her do what she is paid to do.<br />But wait a minute... "Jeez, this person spends their entire life at work!". That must be terrible. Even their days off. <br />Arrgghhh...am I a terrible person for thinking like this? Am I lazy? WTF..I've got a maid! <br />My whole belief system comes crashing down in spectacular fashion.<br />I still get up the next day and put my immaculately ironed shirt on though.<br /><br />I'm leaving Singapore now and have to say goodbye to her. I will miss her, and the shirts. I will worry about her. I hope the next people treat her well. OMG now sound like im leaving a pet at the SPCA. I really am a terrible person.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16249340410816331206noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1495111312866801685.post-53113023336293718312012-11-04T19:19:37.097-08:002012-11-04T19:19:37.097-08:00Becky firstly please don't beat yourself up ab...Becky firstly please don't beat yourself up about this because you are a good Mum - the best! Freya as you say is living in a World where you have help because of the situation you are in. She is forthright and says how it is and it's unfortunate that the comments are in front of said person but that's because Freya isn't being sneaky about it she is saying what she thinks is the obvious. The only thing I can think of is asking her to be polite to the cleaner and perhaps even say sorry to her? Then maybe you could just get Freya to clear up her own toys and also the chart sounds a good idea. Freya could do a job everyday whereby she is rewarded by an outing, or a dvd or dare I say it candy lol or maybe just earn a little pocket money:). Don't be too embarrassed though Becky as I remember Sophie upsetting many a person when she was Freya's age and a little older simply because she is intelligent too and said it how it was! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com